I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
