You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
