im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
