Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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