i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
