I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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