her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
