my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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