dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
