im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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