sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
