I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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