Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
