I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
