literally had 100 drinks last night.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
