i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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