I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Is it because I queefed?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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