Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
