I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Randomize
