Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
