White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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