this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
