I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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