dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think my moral compass just broke
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