Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
