Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
