at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
