I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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