so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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