Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
