i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
