I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am puke
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I fill condoms, not promises.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
