I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
