I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
