im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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