It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
