when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
