Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
