My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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