When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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