You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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