we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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