the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
