JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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