so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
