The maid of honor just puked.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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