You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
