Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
