woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
