So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
