Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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